Facial Futures

Satire © 2002 Brian G. Parker

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Scientific studies indicate that individuals are 90% more likely to have a satisfying, well-paying career if they are perceived as attractive. Unattractive people are often overlooked for promotions, raises, and office opportunities.

But astounding breakthroughs in plastic surgery, along with an innovative financing program, mean you don’t have to hide in your cubicle and pray for accidental promotions any longer! Dr. Nelson Beauguerre’s fantastic FACIAL FUTURES plan can give you the good looks and confidence usually reserved for beautiful people!

Before Facial Futures

After Facial Futures

With FACIAL FUTURES, you pick how you want to look from our menu of over 1000 facial characteristics. Do you have Charlie Callas’ nose but want Mel Gibson’s? Do you have Anne Ramsay’s chin but want Michelle Pfeiffer’s? No problem! Our skilled consultants will help you select the features, including ears, nose, eyes, eyebrows, chin, cheeks, forehead, and hairline, that will help you attract the big bucks, the best-looking dates, and the most frequent sex. After you select your nose and other facial features, our skilled and internationally recognized facial surgeons at FACIAL FUTURES will work wonders to transform your ugly mug into the glamorous face of a star!

Before Facial Futures

After Facial Futures

And the most exciting part is your FACIAL FUTURES makeover doesn’t cost a mint! The innovative FACIAL FUTURES finance plan allows you to space your payments over the lifetime of your face! Based on careful study, we’ve found that people with attractive faces can earn up to 90% more money over their working life. With FACIAL FUTURES, you pay just $250 per facial feature and 7% of your salary*! That leaves 83% of your increased earning power in your pocket! Indeed, a small price to pay for such a promising FACIAL FUTURE!

 Act in the next 60 days and you’ll be eligible for the fabulous BODY BONUS! That’s right! We’ll add the BODY BONUS (your choice of enhanced or reduced breasts, buttocks, pectoral implants, liposuction, or tattoo removal) for just an additional 2% of your annual salary increase! The BODY BONUS alone usually goes for triple that amount! Studies show that a great pair of breasts and fine buttocks brightens up the most boring board meeting—and that means more money for you! UP TO DOUBLE YOUR CURRENT SALARY!

Not to Scale

So don’t delay! Act now! Get the fabulous face and magnificent body God gave to that bitch Marcy in accounting that doesn’t deserve it anyway! Get the pachydermic penis, ponderous pecs, and handsome looks that bastard Rod in marketing wastes on drag queens! Get your FACIAL FUTURE and the BODY BONUS before the FCC catches up with us!

* Fee percentages are based on your actual annual salary dollar amount, compounded daily, and paid via monthly direct debit only, over a 30-year period. Your obligation to pay is not contingent upon receiving an increase in compensation. Even if your salary drops or you lose your job, you must pay. Failure to pay will result in immediate repossession of all enhancements provided by FACIAL FUTURES/BODY BONUS. FACIAL FUTURES/BODY BONUS is under no obligation to replace body parts forfeited because of failure to pay. FACIAL FUTURES/BODY BONUS is available only to people 35 years of age or younger. FACIAL FEATURES/BODY BONUS is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Barky Bark Dog Food Company, a corporation based in Antigua and not subject to the laws of any country. All surgeries are performed aboard a luxurious hospital ship in international waters. If any of these worry you, look in the mirror and have a nice day.